Sometimes it’s okay to cry it out you know…

All my life I’ve felt a sense of shame in being emotional or crying about things or being sensitive as if it’s a socially unacceptable thing to do. My mum never cried in front of me or my sister apart from when her mother passed away. And my father never did either. So I grew up learning the best thing to do was to keep all my emotions inside of me because ‘that’s what we all do in the family’. Sooo many times I’ve been called “dramatic” or “over emotional” or “being stupid” but truth is, I feel things so much more than most. I’m highly sensitive, and I’m also a natural idealist and optimist, so my world comes crashing down several times a day. I sometimes had wished I had a medical condition so that people (by people I mean family) could believe me. Yeah I know it sounds sad. But when you put a professional label, all of sudden, you’re a good person but with some defects? As oppose to a ‘cry baby’?

Granted, my emotional resilience wasn’t as strong as it is now (not that I’m massively resilient now) so things could seem more chaotic looking outside in. But sometimes I just wish I knew what I know now (hind sight….what can I say) that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let it out, to feel so damn frustrated and worried and sad and to just cry those tears without feeling guilty for it. To embrace it and to own it, and then do something with it and move on.

All my life, this has been one of my ‘Achilles heels’, and now after 32 years, starting to really own it. It’s okay to cry. It’s OKAY. In fact it’s healthy to let it out, as long as you can move on with it. It’s like sneezing – all that climax and buildup to a little sneeze then you feel a whole lot better. You might have many sneezes in a row and have a sneezing fit but eventually you’ll stop, rub/wipe your nose and continue your day. It’s part of life. Getting rid of the mucus. The gunk. And making way for a happier breath inwards.

I’m writing this after just crying over my living situation, feeling displaced, feeling sorry for myself. But writing this now actually makes me feel 100 times better. I ACTUALLY don’t feel guilty and self-absorbed about crying. I’m not a ‘cry baby’, I’m a highly sensitive, intuitive, emotional human being going through the motions of life situations. And if (or should I say when) I wan to cry, then it’s okay. As long as I take in some perspective and move on. Thank you, next!

Living that Art life

I have a very vivid memory of me sprawled out on my uncle’s living room floor, with the sun beaming in, and a colouring pencil in my hand, creating away on a piece of paper. My uncle then asks attentively, “So Meron, what do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m assuming to confirm actions of the joyous but relaxed mood I was in.

“Hmm, either an artist or a doctor”

He then asked which one I would choose if I had no choice but to pick one. I hesitated for a bit, but I confidently said artist. I was about 9 or 10 years old at the time so I was pretty aware about different occupational roles. I always remember that memory because I feel like it’s what I am meant to be. And the more I think about it, the more it resonates with me. Usually the question ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ is often ignored in later adult life. But lately, I’ve been trying to listen to what my intuition tells me. I think the reason I said both options of an artist or a doctor, is because I want to help people, but I love art and have received more compliments about it then anything else I do.

And it’s so funny because I literally am drawn towards art therapy as a career change! I love psychology and eventually I want to blend the two worlds – art and psychology – together into a nice little world of my  own.

But that art life though!

I’ve only JUST started exposing my art work on social media and online. I’m so bloody defensive of my work, as predictably by my artistic nature, I’m a sensitive soul. Don’t get me wrong, sensitivity is a great thing to have but if your skin isn’t that thick, it’s painful. Luckily, my skin is growing ever more thicker, which is great but I still have some way to go. There’s so many doubts niggling at you like an itchy nose – ‘But I can’t do this!’, ‘I’m not a real artist’, ‘Who’s going to be interested in what I have to show?’, and the classic ‘I’m not good enough’.  Aye aye aye!

I am good, I am kind, I am enough.

I am good, I am kind, I am enough.

I am good, I am kind, I am enough.

(repeat until less stressed)

…That’s better.

It’s my new mantra thing. It isn’t a permanent solution but it’s a good way to centre my emotions. I know I can do this. Live a life more dedicated to practising art and using it to help others. Essentially that’s my life goal. To help others using art. I’m still not sure how exactly but I think along the art therapy route. One thing is for sure – I just to keep creating, stop the self judgement and do it for me. Not to prove anything or to show off but for me.

And in honour of this post, I’ve featured my latest painting/selfie. What do you think is going on?