Entering motherhood: reality vs expectation

Little man will be 17th months in 8 days.

Almost 17 months gone by since entering motherhood.

And over 17 months since I last made a blog on this post.

……

I think that says a lot to me.

There’s so much I want to write about and a lot of things I’ve had to learn and embrace that I would love to channel that into some sort of creative project whether it’s a book, or a collection of paintings or illustrations. Or even podcast or dare I say it a Youtube videos? This choices are endless and most of the things have been said before. But not by me.

I will state some more facts just for context as of now:

I’m currently living in North London. With my toddler son. His dad and I have separated. The sun is now shining. It’s Leo season.

I’ve had some time to reflect on things, especially with a CBT therapist. And also because I’m that personality type that likes to reflect and think and feel. There’s so much.

There’s no doubt motherhood changes you. Life changes you. Whether is a beautiful energetic little human or life situations. But out of the many, many, many things I’ve learnt by choice or by life circumstance is that there is an inner strength to me. A new version of me that I haven’t really come across whether that’s the mum role or the Meron role. There’s a certain courage and truth that comes to me. Because whether I life it or not, I’ve got power now. And with great power comes great responsibility, as the saying goes. Time is such a luxury even more than ever. It’s learning what choices and thoughts and emotions and decision I put into time because of the power.

m=p+n/t.

If you want a formula. Meron or anyone else for that matter (m)=power (p) + choices (n) divided (/) by the time (t) we have on this earth.

Anyways. That’s a little simplistic but you know what I mean. Right? I usually don’t reflect on life this way so only god and the universe knows why I’ve decided this way for now. It’s fun.

My focus now is, what do I do now? I keep making blogs – definitely. About everything. But what do I do with all this ongoing experience packed into 18moths? hmmmm. Formula? Lol. Hmmm probably not. Errrr God/universe/higher power, can you help me out here?
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Photo of me and little man at the seaside. Why not?

100 days – DONE

Finally after 100 days (originally 100 consecutive days) I have completed my little project #100daysofminicreations!!!

My main intentions for this project were to:

  1. maintain consistency and regularity
  2. continue exploration of artwork, and to
  3. capture a highlight or feeling of the day.

Link to my blog post – “100 days of mini creations!” in August 2016.

Did I do that overall?

  1. yes, somewhat (it’s a marathon not a race)
  2. yes, for sure
  3. yes.

Apart from the checklists, the start of this project was really a pivotal moment for me in my life. It was the start of my public art life.

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I have always been ‘into’ art and have always appreciated it – my family and friends will tell you so, but it wasn’t until this time that I made an active decision to make myself known to the world as an artist. Prior to that I was too afraid,  I had a lot of self-doubt about labelling myself as an artist, the pressure, the self-criticism (and still have, a little – I’m human right?) about my abilities, not being good enough or if I should just stick to the grind of a ‘proper job’.

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But, you know what, I’m glad I quit my full-time job. I took a major risk, and became unemployed for 2 months (scary), but I don’t have regrets and I already feel in a much better head space for it. If I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have randomly done this project.

It was a really good chunk of time for me to really reflect and digest the ebbs and flows of my movements, my thought processes, who I am as an artist, who I am as an introverted private person and a contributor to social media, the power I have to influence people, what mini creations were more popular than others and why, what I did when I thought ‘nah i’ll do it next time’, what opportunities I got out of it (which I did get some!), the wonderful support and positivity I got from people, the people I know who really were loyal. For me mostly, it was also the confidence. The acceptance of myself and who I am and my ongoing learning, creative journey.

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Lastly I wanted to say a big massive thank you for all the people who really engaged with my creations and commented and who will probably be reading this! I am really appreciative and thankful for your support 🙂

Stay blessed,

Meron xx

 

 

 

 

Rant #1

 

When you get so ambitious, but your skills and experience don’t quite match up to your visions…yet.

It’s bloody frustrating!

You’re told “go fish” but not told/realise how hard it is to wait for the fish and keep the fish and then cook it.

I feel like to give up sometimes. But then quickly realise how foolish I’m being.

So THAT’s why patience is a virtue.

PATIENCE.

‘Tis what I need.

and some tea.

 

 

 

 

 

Progress: Flip IT! (mental and spiritual health – part 1)

I woke up this morning with slight anxiety. Anxiety that makes itself know to me from time to time, especially when I over analyse and dwell on situations (predictably, the situation was regarding finances) – even with positive quotes filled on my social media feeds! It’s easy to take that trip from time to time. But the important thing is not to let those feelings conquer your life, your emotions and your actions.

One train of thought that has been popping up more recently is identifying You as your best friend. ‘The Casual Artist‘ made this aware to me when we had a Skype consultation. During my childhood, I have always felt that I was my own worst enemy. I even have a distinct memory of receiving a report card when I was in year 6, with the teacher stating that ‘Meron can be her own worst enemy’. Once I told the Casual Artist this, he flipped it up and asked me this question: ‘Can you say to me the total opposite of that statement?’

I first stumbled. It was really hard, and I didn’t get why. But he broke it down to me and eventually I stated that ‘Meron is her own best friend’.

I was truly amazed by this. I had never thought of seeing my self in this way at all! Bizarre.

I am my own best friend….Meron is her own best friend. Meron..is…her own…best friend. That makes total sense! It’s the complete OPPOSITE of what I’ve been making myself accustomed to. And so I say to you: FLIP IT. Any negative or niggling statements that have prevailed in your life, ask yourself what is the total opposite of that statement. Then say it back to yourself. 

As an artist, as a human being carving a fulfilling career for myself, there’s still days like this morning where I stumble. However, I’ve been really progressing with being more resilient. Showing appreciation for what I do have. I have time and some means to do what I love. To do develop my work. To create alliances as well as art and change my way of life for the better. Some ladies my age, have been forced into marriage, enslaved, don’t have access to clean water. So hey, how can I complain right? I have some privileges in some sorts and I need to exercise those, if not for myself, than for the people who can’t.

Gratitude is a great attitude.

I will be making another post on mental health and spirituality concentrating on why this is so important to discuss in our community. Especially the ‘black’ communities, where it’s still such a stigma to receive counselling or psychotherapy. So stay tuned!

Stay blessed,

Meron x