Sometimes it’s okay to cry it out you know…

All my life I’ve felt a sense of shame in being emotional or crying about things or being sensitive as if it’s a socially unacceptable thing to do. My mum never cried in front of me or my sister apart from when her mother passed away. And my father never did either. So I grew up learning the best thing to do was to keep all my emotions inside of me because ‘that’s what we all do in the family’. Sooo many times I’ve been called “dramatic” or “over emotional” or “being stupid” but truth is, I feel things so much more than most. I’m highly sensitive, and I’m also a natural idealist and optimist, so my world comes crashing down several times a day. I sometimes had wished I had a medical condition so that people (by people I mean family) could believe me. Yeah I know it sounds sad. But when you put a professional label, all of sudden, you’re a good person but with some defects? As oppose to a ‘cry baby’?

Granted, my emotional resilience wasn’t as strong as it is now (not that I’m massively resilient now) so things could seem more chaotic looking outside in. But sometimes I just wish I knew what I know now (hind sight….what can I say) that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to let it out, to feel so damn frustrated and worried and sad and to just cry those tears without feeling guilty for it. To embrace it and to own it, and then do something with it and move on.

All my life, this has been one of my ‘Achilles heels’, and now after 32 years, starting to really own it. It’s okay to cry. It’s OKAY. In fact it’s healthy to let it out, as long as you can move on with it. It’s like sneezing – all that climax and buildup to a little sneeze then you feel a whole lot better. You might have many sneezes in a row and have a sneezing fit but eventually you’ll stop, rub/wipe your nose and continue your day. It’s part of life. Getting rid of the mucus. The gunk. And making way for a happier breath inwards.

I’m writing this after just crying over my living situation, feeling displaced, feeling sorry for myself. But writing this now actually makes me feel 100 times better. I ACTUALLY don’t feel guilty and self-absorbed about crying. I’m not a ‘cry baby’, I’m a highly sensitive, intuitive, emotional human being going through the motions of life situations. And if (or should I say when) I wan to cry, then it’s okay. As long as I take in some perspective and move on. Thank you, next!

Err, I like you…but can we really be friends?

I’ve come to realise that I’ve never been in a platonic relationship/friendship before. That is to say, I’ve never had a proper friendship with a guy before. I’m the type of person who is very selective with people (introvert alert) that I want to be friends with so I might have quite a lot of “friends” but a small handful of proper friends.

And then throw in a guy.

In the past it’s been….Errmmm. Messy.

I end up thinking this person is a potential long-term boyfriend, when really he just wants a bit of hanky panky. So I’ve consciously been very wary of guys who want to be intimate but without the commitment i.e. “the wasteman”.

But here’s the thing.

There’s recently been a guy I feel such an instant connection (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) with since he pursued me in my local supermarket (which showed balls to say the least). I’m thinking he wants some hanky-panky or even dating but we both have declared that we just want to be friends. Yet there’s still some underlaying chemistry or flirting going on, I feel, because even now and then there’s a flirty text.

I’m happy to be friends with him, because I genuinely feel he’s good friend material. But I can’t help wondering if men and women can really have a platonic relationship? At least with this person and I.

Things are good and I don’t want to spoil it with him since we’ve only been getting to know each other for a few weeks and we live locally. I think about him a lot. A LOT. And I like receiving messages from him throughout the day even if it’s about domestic things. Which is why I feel like this is something more than friendship. It’s deeeeeep.

I’ve had the habit of rushing into situationships/romances and perhaps forcing some sort of bond because im such an idealist. (I’m a real life hippy deep down). And then for it to come crashing down.

And there’s another thing. I’m a single mum – a tiny part of me feels like he just wants a bit of fun because he might think single mums are easier, sexually (which to be honest some are, but I am most definitely not).

Am I facing falling into another rabbit hole, or can I really shape this into a true friendship?

Well, I’m leaving it up to the universe, quite frankly. I just want a decent person who won’t play games, who is genuine, who likes me for me, who wants to find peace and harmony, who wants to live to their full potential, share life experiences with and have a bit of innocent fun at the same time. Is that too much to ask from me and a guy without sex or romance???

I’ll give it a go but really it’s above me now.

And if it doesn’t go well…the I guess… it will hurt like a mo fo, but I’ll put it down to life experience.

Entering motherhood: reality vs expectation

Little man will be 17th months in 8 days.

Almost 17 months gone by since entering motherhood.

And over 17 months since I last made a blog on this post.

……

I think that says a lot to me.

There’s so much I want to write about and a lot of things I’ve had to learn and embrace that I would love to channel that into some sort of creative project whether it’s a book, or a collection of paintings or illustrations. Or even podcast or dare I say it a Youtube videos? This choices are endless and most of the things have been said before. But not by me.

I will state some more facts just for context as of now:

I’m currently living in North London. With my toddler son. His dad and I have separated. The sun is now shining. It’s Leo season.

I’ve had some time to reflect on things, especially with a CBT therapist. And also because I’m that personality type that likes to reflect and think and feel. There’s so much.

There’s no doubt motherhood changes you. Life changes you. Whether is a beautiful energetic little human or life situations. But out of the many, many, many things I’ve learnt by choice or by life circumstance is that there is an inner strength to me. A new version of me that I haven’t really come across whether that’s the mum role or the Meron role. There’s a certain courage and truth that comes to me. Because whether I life it or not, I’ve got power now. And with great power comes great responsibility, as the saying goes. Time is such a luxury even more than ever. It’s learning what choices and thoughts and emotions and decision I put into time because of the power.

m=p+n/t.

If you want a formula. Meron or anyone else for that matter (m)=power (p) + choices (n) divided (/) by the time (t) we have on this earth.

Anyways. That’s a little simplistic but you know what I mean. Right? I usually don’t reflect on life this way so only god and the universe knows why I’ve decided this way for now. It’s fun.

My focus now is, what do I do now? I keep making blogs – definitely. About everything. But what do I do with all this ongoing experience packed into 18moths? hmmmm. Formula? Lol. Hmmm probably not. Errrr God/universe/higher power, can you help me out here?
seaside

Photo of me and little man at the seaside. Why not?